Thoughts of a student #1
I sat here for at least 15 minutes, struggling to find the correct words to put my thoughts on paper. In the end, it has landed as and how I first thought it….randomly. I wanted to write something that wasn’t a poem, song or a quote. For the past 5 nights I haven’t really slept, instead I have stayed up watching and listening to the night sounds and sights. Trying to take it all in and interpret my swirling thoughts. I guess this is more of a small confession of thought.
I am a 23 year old male, who has lived away from home since I was 14. I have made many mistakes and learnt many lessons, some of which were harsh but nonetheless important. I have achieved and failed, laughed and cried, worried and believed. Had relationships, been single, felt alone and depressed. Went from dead end job to the next, all the while telling myself “yeah Lex! You know what you are doing. You don’t need any help”. I was definitely living the mottos “wrong and strong”, “I got myself here so I’ll get myself out”. Only now, while on the path of recovery and enlightenment, can I see how truly lost I was. I am one of five brothers and sisters, the eldest boy I might point out. Everyday has been a fight with what I know and what I think I know, I never had the tools and knowledge to tell the difference until recently.
I have lived with fear for most of life. Not fear of anything in particular, just plain old ordinary fear! This kept me trapped in my mind as a living, walking prisoner of “what if”. I made up reasons why things would go wrong, that in its-self prevented me experiencing life to the fullest. Times of celebration turned to worrying if I saw another, peoples praise turned to me questioning how genuine the praise was. Fear of falling short of my own self proposed expectations. My automatic thoughts were always “what if?” “Why do they?” “She will leave me” “I’m not good enough” and pretty soon I was a personified paranoid state.
At that moment in my life, the love I held for my family astronomically dwarfed the love the love I showed myself. I didn’t believe that I was worthy of their love. I didn’t “love” myself, and wished most nights, before I went to sleep that I wouldn’t wake up. I wanted to “get better” and at first, it seemed like an achievable feat. But as time went by, the tasks seemed unattainable because of my lack of self- belief and trust in myself, therefore forebode me from trusting others. Even when I knew their intentions were of pure origins, I just didn’t let anybody close enough to me. The fear of getting hurt was greater than the possibility they would love me.
I suffer from diseases called “jealousy and insecurity syndrome” which has hindered me many a time in life. . I didn’t understand why I was loved. I have always wanted to know the “whys” to everything rather than just accepting and living my life. To my dismay and disappointment, time just kept on ticking. Irrespective of the countless times I prayed and wished for a time traveling machine, or for God to rewind time so I could re-live my childhood and change the things from the past I hadn’t forgiven myself for, the actions I was most ashamed of and the good people I’d hurt. Fear of letting go and forgiving one’s self. I still struggle with letting go and huge part of that is forgiveness, but it’s proving easier by the day.
Do not be afraid of anything. Even when tossing on a wave in a storm, you are still on the bosom of the ocean. Always hold on to the consciousness of God’s underlying presence, be of even mind, and say: “I am fearless; I am made of the substance of God. I am a spark of the Fire of Spirit. I am an atom of the cosmic flame. I am a cell of the vast universal body of the Father. ‘I and my Father are One’.”
Paramahansa Yogananda
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