Questions to a mother

Can I speak? Is what i asked my mother, and she said “as long as you have a voice to be heard”.
Can I love?  Is what I asked my mother, and she said “if you’re not looking for it and your heart is open to it”
Can I live? Is what i asked my mother, and she said “as long as God permits it”
Can I worship freely? Is what i asked my mother, and she said “yes you can, and don’t you let anyone tell you any different”
Is there life after death? Is what i asked my mother, and she said “son, you will just have to have faith”
Is there a God? Is what i asked my mother, and she said “look around you, take in all the beauty and that has been created, your answer is in the sky’s

I said this to my mother, “don’t you leave me in this world alone as i look to you for guidance and unconditional love. I look to you for inspiration and strength. I look to you when I can not see the way”
My mother turned to me and said, “son, all you seek, all that you desire, you will find in the hands of the Lord”

Thoughts of a student #1

Thoughts of a student #1
I sat here for at least 15 minutes, struggling to find the correct words to put my thoughts on paper. In the end, it has landed as and how I first thought it….randomly. I wanted to write something that wasn’t a poem, song or a quote. For the past 5 nights I haven’t really slept, instead I have stayed up watching and listening to the night sounds and sights. Trying to take it all in and interpret my swirling thoughts. I guess this is more of a small confession of thought.
I am a 23 year old male, who has lived away from home since I was 14. I have made many mistakes and learnt many lessons, some of which were harsh but nonetheless important. I have achieved and failed, laughed and cried, worried and believed. Had relationships, been single, felt alone and depressed. Went from dead end job to the next, all the while telling myself “yeah Lex! You know what you are doing. You don’t need any help”. I was definitely living the mottos “wrong and strong”, “I got myself here so I’ll get myself out”. Only now, while on the path of recovery and enlightenment, can I see how truly lost I was. I am one of five brothers and sisters, the eldest boy I might point out. Everyday has been a fight with what I know and what I think I know, I never had the tools and knowledge to tell the difference until recently.
I have lived with fear for most of life. Not fear of anything in particular, just plain old ordinary fear! This kept me trapped in my mind as a living, walking prisoner of “what if”. I made up reasons why things would go wrong, that in its-self prevented me experiencing life to the fullest. Times of celebration turned to worrying if I saw another, peoples praise turned to me questioning how genuine the praise was. Fear of falling short of my own self proposed expectations. My automatic thoughts were always “what if?” “Why do they?” “She will leave me” “I’m not good enough” and pretty soon I was a personified paranoid state.
At that moment in my life, the love I held for my family astronomically dwarfed the love the love I showed myself. I didn’t believe that I was worthy of their love. I didn’t “love” myself, and wished most nights, before I went to sleep that I wouldn’t wake up. I wanted to “get better” and at first, it seemed like an achievable feat. But as time went by, the tasks seemed unattainable because of my lack of self- belief and trust in myself, therefore forebode me from trusting others. Even when I knew their intentions were of pure origins, I just didn’t let anybody close enough to me. The fear of getting hurt was greater than the possibility they would love me.
I suffer from diseases called “jealousy and insecurity syndrome” which has hindered me many a time in life. . I didn’t understand why I was loved. I have always wanted to know the “whys” to everything rather than just accepting and living my life. To my dismay and disappointment, time just kept on ticking. Irrespective of the countless times I prayed and wished for a time traveling machine, or for God to rewind time so I could re-live my childhood and change the things from the past I hadn’t forgiven myself for, the actions I was most ashamed of and the good people I’d hurt. Fear of letting go and forgiving one’s self. I still struggle with letting go and huge part of that is forgiveness, but it’s proving easier by the day.

Do not be afraid of anything. Even when tossing on a wave in a storm, you are still on the bosom of the ocean. Always hold on to the consciousness of God’s underlying presence, be of even mind, and say: “I am fearless; I am made of the substance of God. I am a spark of the Fire of Spirit. I am an atom of the cosmic flame. I am a cell of the vast universal body of the Father. ‘I and my Father are One’.”

Paramahansa Yogananda

Psalm 1 vrs 1-6

Psalm 1

1  Blessed is the one
who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
or sit in the company of mockers,
2  but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
and who meditates on his law day and night.
3  That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
whatever they do prospers.
4  Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff
that the wind blows away.
5  Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
6  For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.

You and I

Tender moments, we share

Intimate encounters, we cherish

Those eye watering laughs, we remember

Sweet kisses, I look forward to them

Nighttime cuddles, I hold on to

Life’s hardships, we embrace and overcome

The blessings in life, we give thanks

Rare moments, we capture

Our elders, we respect

People who tresspass against us, we forgive

Charitable people, We admire

The memories of you, I hold on to

My heart forever searching for you

Un-calm to calm

I’m am so uncalm,
Always hear alarms,
Thinking I’m in a safe place but always get harmed,
My friends say I’m rude but my family understand,
That this journey that I’m on is the making of a man,
The walls that serve to protect me are closing in,
Fear ruling my life and love can’t get in,
I am better than I was a year ago,
But still have a long way to go to let go of this ego,
Hiding behind my physicality like a wall constructed of Lego,
The real me lost inside a web of low self-belief, and I refuse to evolve,
The wall was bound to fall but I rebuilt it with foundations,
I didn’t know any better but now I feel whole,
Strong enough to with stand trials and tribulations,
Deep down I’m spiritual, I can speak now I’m lyrical,
Never been a zombie always been aware of the political,
Life had got to the point where I had to grow up,
Time was still moving and wasn’t waiting for me to clear my head,
Fear and love and the fear to love… I had them mixed up,
Realised what was what and all doubts are dead

Striding

I am striding down the street with the wind raging past me. It is loud enough to deafen even the deaf. The cars that pass have their lights on full and that makes me look out into the starless sky of the city that never sleeps. I can’t see any stars because of all the lights posted approximate distances apart from each other exuding a bright orange light that leaves a orange haze in the air. No doubt this has happened as a direct reaction from all the fumes and strong winds.
I wonder where the drivers are going in such a hurry. I wonder to myself, in-between trying to make out a single star in the black blanket that reaches far and wide. Across many cities but luckily for its residents this only happens at night. Or at least they think so, as on a clear day in the city it can be quite beautiful if you just use your eyes to see, wait till you get home and blow you nose to find black filth on the white tissue. Time seems to miraculously speed up in the city, or at least the people living in it do. Everything is based on time likes it’s going to stop. Waiting for trains, waiting for food, waiting for the bathroom, waiting for buses, waiting for the time of the month, for people, for games, for church, for holidays, for birthdays and Christmas, for websites to load, for music to play, for djs, for films, for TV shows, to get home, to go out. The list could go on forever but my point is, we spend more time waiting than living.
Start to live with good intentions and live mindfully and strive for enlightenment and inner peace. Why deny your-self peace? The outside is there but you’re here and here is your soul that craves for that “void” to be filled. We fill it with ill-fitting things…sometimes we do this. This is just my opinion and I don’t wish to offend or preach. Peace and living mindfully in whatever you’re doing with your life can only be beneficial to you and close people to you.
We are instruments of our souls. Strum to your heart’s content. Listen to your own rhythm and you will allow yourself to connect with your soul and understand the true you. Feel your energy and follow your inner guide or “that tiny voice” you hear. Accept the love around you and use love as your force and energy. Live for the moment and live through love and not fear. Feel the freedom from your own limitations and fly freely.

Keep going

When things go wrong, as they sometime will
When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns.
And many a great person turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor’s cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems far.
So stick in the fight when you’re hardest hit,
It’s when thing seem worse,
That you must not quit.

Dear lord

Dear God,

I’d first off like to thank you for my life and all you have created.

I have found one of your angels and beloved daughters.

I love her Lord. I thank you for your blessings and for your most perfect creation.

I promise to keep her happy.

Lord i ask you to keep her safe when i cannot.

Protect her in her dealings father and fill her soul with your love and presence.

I thank you for allowing us to be ready for love by the time we met.

Thank you because with out her i’d be lost.

Bless everyone in our life and everyone we run into.

Forgive me father for i am a man and makes mistakes.

Watch over her and guide her through life

Lord shower her oppourtunities and love

If its to be, please guide me back to her and her to me

If its not to be please give her strength, wisdom, love and an open to heart to accept it all.

I humbly thank you.

The way it is

Bullshit is expected but not accepted respect get respected the rest get rejected memories resurrected love I neglected but never regret it If I could do it all again you better expect it coz it made me who I am & kept me protected see you may not understand when you have the upper hand but when you lose it all then you start to comprehend how important it was, however down you become fight to rise to higher heights even if you stand alone never fear a righteous fight because at the end of the day only God knows what’s deep down in your soul.

Questions

who are we?

where are we?

are we fake friends or real enemies?

are you being you or have you changed for a gain?

why did you make me wild only to be tamed?

being alone is sickening…..sometimes i want to kick it!

FORGET LOVE!! but i know how badly i want it,

with her, only with HER…

I’ve learnt that sometimes some people aren’t ment to be,

so i ask him, “are we ment to be”?

I’m ment to be strong, I’m his eldest son,

so does it make me weak because i ask so many questions?

my life was hard and too long,

but change was inevitable and it didn’t take too long.

I was born hard but sensitive, that side allows the man inside me to cry

I want to love and care for you, i don’t care what the haters say,

my past has been full of pain, experience and turbulence,

I’ve grown up and seen the light, my old life i dropped it!

but remember my hearts fragile so look after it,

if you kiss me now there’s no going back after it!

my  soul and life is here if you want it,

please don’t promise if you can’t keep it!

why is my path so undefined?

What to do? Where to go,

I will never stop loving you!

will she come with me?    only God knows!

ACW