Questions to a mother

Can I speak? Is what i asked my mother, and she said “as long as you have a voice to be heard”.
Can I love?  Is what I asked my mother, and she said “if you’re not looking for it and your heart is open to it”
Can I live? Is what i asked my mother, and she said “as long as God permits it”
Can I worship freely? Is what i asked my mother, and she said “yes you can, and don’t you let anyone tell you any different”
Is there life after death? Is what i asked my mother, and she said “son, you will just have to have faith”
Is there a God? Is what i asked my mother, and she said “look around you, take in all the beauty and that has been created, your answer is in the sky’s

I said this to my mother, “don’t you leave me in this world alone as i look to you for guidance and unconditional love. I look to you for inspiration and strength. I look to you when I can not see the way”
My mother turned to me and said, “son, all you seek, all that you desire, you will find in the hands of the Lord”

Thoughts of a student #1

Thoughts of a student #1
I sat here for at least 15 minutes, struggling to find the correct words to put my thoughts on paper. In the end, it has landed as and how I first thought it….randomly. I wanted to write something that wasn’t a poem, song or a quote. For the past 5 nights I haven’t really slept, instead I have stayed up watching and listening to the night sounds and sights. Trying to take it all in and interpret my swirling thoughts. I guess this is more of a small confession of thought.
I am a 23 year old male, who has lived away from home since I was 14. I have made many mistakes and learnt many lessons, some of which were harsh but nonetheless important. I have achieved and failed, laughed and cried, worried and believed. Had relationships, been single, felt alone and depressed. Went from dead end job to the next, all the while telling myself “yeah Lex! You know what you are doing. You don’t need any help”. I was definitely living the mottos “wrong and strong”, “I got myself here so I’ll get myself out”. Only now, while on the path of recovery and enlightenment, can I see how truly lost I was. I am one of five brothers and sisters, the eldest boy I might point out. Everyday has been a fight with what I know and what I think I know, I never had the tools and knowledge to tell the difference until recently.
I have lived with fear for most of life. Not fear of anything in particular, just plain old ordinary fear! This kept me trapped in my mind as a living, walking prisoner of “what if”. I made up reasons why things would go wrong, that in its-self prevented me experiencing life to the fullest. Times of celebration turned to worrying if I saw another, peoples praise turned to me questioning how genuine the praise was. Fear of falling short of my own self proposed expectations. My automatic thoughts were always “what if?” “Why do they?” “She will leave me” “I’m not good enough” and pretty soon I was a personified paranoid state.
At that moment in my life, the love I held for my family astronomically dwarfed the love the love I showed myself. I didn’t believe that I was worthy of their love. I didn’t “love” myself, and wished most nights, before I went to sleep that I wouldn’t wake up. I wanted to “get better” and at first, it seemed like an achievable feat. But as time went by, the tasks seemed unattainable because of my lack of self- belief and trust in myself, therefore forebode me from trusting others. Even when I knew their intentions were of pure origins, I just didn’t let anybody close enough to me. The fear of getting hurt was greater than the possibility they would love me.
I suffer from diseases called “jealousy and insecurity syndrome” which has hindered me many a time in life. . I didn’t understand why I was loved. I have always wanted to know the “whys” to everything rather than just accepting and living my life. To my dismay and disappointment, time just kept on ticking. Irrespective of the countless times I prayed and wished for a time traveling machine, or for God to rewind time so I could re-live my childhood and change the things from the past I hadn’t forgiven myself for, the actions I was most ashamed of and the good people I’d hurt. Fear of letting go and forgiving one’s self. I still struggle with letting go and huge part of that is forgiveness, but it’s proving easier by the day.

Do not be afraid of anything. Even when tossing on a wave in a storm, you are still on the bosom of the ocean. Always hold on to the consciousness of God’s underlying presence, be of even mind, and say: “I am fearless; I am made of the substance of God. I am a spark of the Fire of Spirit. I am an atom of the cosmic flame. I am a cell of the vast universal body of the Father. ‘I and my Father are One’.”

Paramahansa Yogananda

Psalm 2 vrs 1-12

1 Why do the nations conspire[a]
and the peoples plot in vain?
2 The kings of the earth rise up
and the rulers band together
against the Lord and against his anointed, saying,
3 “Let us break their chains
and throw off their shackles.”
4 The One enthroned in heaven laughs;
the Lord scoffs at them.
5 He rebukes them in his anger
and terrifies them in his wrath, saying,
6 “I have installed my king
on Zion, my holy mountain. ”
7 I will proclaim the Lord’s decree:

He said to me, “You are my son;
today I have become your father.
8 Ask me,
and I will make the nations your inheritance,
the ends of the earth your possession.
9 You will break them with a rod of iron[b];
you will dash them to pieces like pottery. ”
10 Therefore, you kings, be wise;
be warned, you rulers of the earth.
11 Serve the Lord with fear
and celebrate his rule with trembling.
12 Kiss his son, or he will be angry
and your way will lead to your destruction,
for his wrath can flare up in a moment.
Blessed are all who take refuge in him.

Psalm 1 vrs 1-6

Psalm 1

1  Blessed is the one
who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
or sit in the company of mockers,
2  but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
and who meditates on his law day and night.
3  That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
whatever they do prospers.
4  Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff
that the wind blows away.
5  Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
6  For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.

Un-calm to calm

I’m am so uncalm,
Always hear alarms,
Thinking I’m in a safe place but always get harmed,
My friends say I’m rude but my family understand,
That this journey that I’m on is the making of a man,
The walls that serve to protect me are closing in,
Fear ruling my life and love can’t get in,
I am better than I was a year ago,
But still have a long way to go to let go of this ego,
Hiding behind my physicality like a wall constructed of Lego,
The real me lost inside a web of low self-belief, and I refuse to evolve,
The wall was bound to fall but I rebuilt it with foundations,
I didn’t know any better but now I feel whole,
Strong enough to with stand trials and tribulations,
Deep down I’m spiritual, I can speak now I’m lyrical,
Never been a zombie always been aware of the political,
Life had got to the point where I had to grow up,
Time was still moving and wasn’t waiting for me to clear my head,
Fear and love and the fear to love… I had them mixed up,
Realised what was what and all doubts are dead

Quotes that helped me and keep me going.

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Faith has to do with things that are not seen, and hope with things that are not in hand.
– Saint Thomas Aquinas

As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.
– Proverbs 23:7

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared with what lies within us.
– Oliver Wendall Holmes

“Analyze thy life’s experiences,

see thy shortcomings, see thy virtues.

Minimize those faults, magnify and glorify thy virtues.”

–Edgar Cayce

“Don’t dwell on what went wrong.

Instead, focus on what to do next.

Spend your energies on moving forward

toward finding the answer.”

-Denis Waitley

I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

-Thomas Edison

I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career.

I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times,

I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.

I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life.

And that is why I succeed.

-Michael Jordan

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

– Lao Tzu